There is a space...

"It is never too late to be who you might have been."
George Eliot

There is a space in our basement about six feet wide by six feet tall by four feet deep that we've never seen in the 20 years we've lived here. Never.

It is a homemade walk in freezer with an ancient freezer door locked and tied shut against the curiosity of young children. It was that way when we bought the house and we never went to the trouble to unlock and untie it. The mystery of the unknown gave the house a certain unique character, and kept our children safe from an adventure gone wrong.

There is a space in my heart like that, locked and tied from a child's curiosity, locked and tied out of the fear this child has of looking into it. I'm convinced it is the place from whence those thoughts arise that scare me. The ones that cause me to ask the question, "where did THAT come from?"

Obviously, it came from me. Or somewhere in me that I either don't go to on a regular basis, or deny exists. A place I am afraid of. A place where all the accusations collect that this world hurls at me in its relentless attack upon who I was created to be.

We all have a place like that.

There is a song about those places, and what can happen to our hearts when we stand, not alone, but holding the scarred hand Jesus' offers, and face those thoughts we fear. . .what can happen when we live in the acceptance and experience of God's profound grace and love toward us.

May I share it with you?

30th of May

"Well, I started on my journey the 30th of May
39 years ago to this very day
And I've never been sorry for choosing this way
or missed anything I left behind"

Today is my anniversary with Jesus. It's the day I chose to step out of the safety of "religiousity" and plunge headlong into the chaos of relationship.

With God.

It wasn't that I was seeking a way out of a miserable life. For all I knew then, I was very happy. I wasn't an abused child. I wasn't a child at all. I was a healthy, happy adult of 25 with a shining, though unknown, future ahead of me.

I just fell into the wrong crowd. A bunch of Jesus people. People whose faces shone with something I'd never seen before. The religious crowd were nice, but there was always a disapproving look about them. They had a list of rules that must be obeyed or...or something awful would happen.

There was no doctored Kool Aid to drink, no mind altering drugs, no sleepless brainwash harangue, no charismatic evangelist at the end of a pew yelling "turn or burn". Just me, my guitar, that tree, and a question from a passerby who later became my dear friend Margo.

I was sitting under that tree very happily singing songs and strumming my guitar. I was a product of the 60s. My idols were Peter, Paul and Mary, Judy Collins, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez. The songs I knew and loved were filled with the cries of human misery and injustice. Such poetry. Then Margo walked by. She didn't even stop to engage me in theological debate, just asked the question in passing, "Singing songs to Jesus?"

She kept walking and I was stunned. I quit strumming to listen to the ticker tape passing through my head. "Why am I singing songs of sorrow instead of joy? Why am I dwelling on the agony of man's inhumanity to man when I could dwell on God's amazing love toward man?

Toward...me.

"For all of the things I once counted as gain
I gladly gave up for my sweet Savior's name
and consider it loss that I might proclaim
that Jesus Christ is my Lord"

The next weekend, I gathered up my entire collection of vinyl (around 50 albums strong) and traded them in at the local flea market for the only two records about Jesus they had--a bunch of hymns by Tennessee Ernie Ford (you've got to be kidding!!!) and another I can't remember. That was quite a trip from "Blowin' in the Wind" to "I Need Thee Every Hour"!

"For He washed my sins away when I gave him my life
And, I'm telling you, that's not much of a price
considering all He had to sacrifice
when He hung upon the cross"

It was the sacrifice of love that got me. That cross, that crown of thorns, that bleeding side. Why would anyone put up with that, much less God? How could anyone love that much?

That powerful love drew me into His arms.

I now truly had something to sing about. A song of hope. A song of love. I started writing songs and fell into a singing group. For three years we shared our songs of hope with people in the US, Switzerland, Germany, and France. Then I fell in love with another man, a handsome attorney who loved Jesus too.

We based our lives, our marriage and our family on that song of love.

"Well, we've been through some sunshine, we've been through some rain
but He's shown me the joy in the midst of the pain
And it seems the more I lose, the more that I gain
I can do all things through Him"

We have not been spared the ravages of life: man's inhumanity, disease, loss, disappointment, grief. We have been shaken but not shattered, held together by the Rock that is higher, the Hope that is surer, the Love that is faithful.

God is good even when circumstances are not. We go nowhere He hasn't been already.

"Well, I started on my journey the 30th of May
39 years ago to this very day
And I've never been sorry for choosing this way
or missed anything I left behind"

Yes, I have wavered in strength of commitment, cried and shaken my fist at the heavens, wondered why. Life is not perfect with Jesus, but it is perfected in suffering. Becoming like Him, becoming a Christian, is not for the faint of heart. It's hard. It is not easy to love others more than yourself and offer forgiveness when your heart is trampled on.

But it is good. It is worth the struggle. Who else has the words of Life?

"For all of the things I once counted as gain
I gladly gave up for my sweet Savior's name
and consider it loss that I might proclaim
that Jesus Christ
that Jesus Christ
that Jesus Christ
is my Lord"
"30th of May" by JAS

Counting thanks with the community of gratitude:
292. that tree
293. that passerby
294. that question
295. that answer
296. that thorny crown
297. that bleeding side
298. that amazing love
299. so great a Savior
300. the Father's arms
301. simple questions
302. profound answers
303. the right choice
304. a friend for life
305. a song of love
306. 39 years proof of His faithfulness
307. God's riches
308. Christ's expense

Laying Pipe

There is a scar still visible on the land two years later, a mound of hardened earth. It was made by machines grinding deep furrows to set water pipe below frost level from our well down in the pasture to our farmhouse above. One hundred feet of pipe.

I thought about that today as I read a prayer from The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions. I stumbled upon a website that offered a tool for reading through those prayers daily. I have now completed one day of readings, stopping three times within my day to reflect on the source of living water.

My thirst has been slaked in the discipline of making a space times three in my day for my Lord. How powerful are the ancient words of devotion. How accurately they speak of my heart needs.

From this morning, "Searcher of hearts, it is a good day to me when thou givest me a glimpse of myself; sin is my greatest evil; but thou are my greatest good. . .let me not lay my pipe too short of the fountain, never touching the eternal spring, never drawing down water from above."

My day needs hooks to hang on, paths that lead me to reflecting, pipes that are laid long enough to reach the well. When you are thirsty, a hundred feet is not too far.

I'm laying my pipe straight, all the way from my heart to His.




online excerpts from The Valley of Vision
Joe Thorne's downloadable Walking through the Valley of Vision

Grace Active

(from The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions)

O God, may Thy Spirit speak in me that I may speak to Thee. O Lord Jesus, great high priest, Thou hast opened a new and living way by which a fallen creature can approach Thee with acceptance.

Help me to contemplate the dignity of Thy Person, the perfectness of Thy sacrifice, the effectiveness of Thy intercession.

O what blessedness accompanies devotion, when under all the trials that weary me, the cares that corrode me, the fears that disturb me, the infirmities that oppress me, I can come to Thee in my need and feel peace beyond understanding!

The grace that restores is necessary to preserve, lead, guard, supply, help me. And here Thy saints encourage my hope; they were once poor and are now rich, bound and are now free, tried and now are victorious.

Every new duty calls for more grace than I now possess, but not more than is found in Thee, the divine treasury in whom all fullness dwells. To Thee I repair for grace upon grace, until every void made by sin be replenished and I am filled with all Thy fullness.

May my desires be enlarged and my hopes emboldened, that I may honour Thee by my entire dependency and the greatness of my expectation.

Do Thou be with me, and prepare me for all the smiles of prosperity, the frowns of adversity, the losses of substance, the death of friends, the days of darkness, the changes of life, and the last great change of all. May I find thy grace sufficient for all my needs.

"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? " Romans 8:33-35 (NIV)

When I am too weak, too tired, too burdened, too faithless, He is faithful.  He is at the right hand of God, interceding, being my portion, carrying me through this world, and into the next.  Oh, the grace, such wonderful, active grace!

All Around the Earth, All Day Long

 The bells of Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris, France

Can you hear them? They are ringing. Big bells in lofty church towers, small prayer bells in quiet monasteries, electronic carillons. From every country on earth, bells of every size and shape and sound ring out as the shadows of night flee from the advancing light of day.

The Easter Sermon of John Chrysostom

Is there anyone who is a devout lover of God?
Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!
Is there anyone who is a grateful servant?
Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary with fasting?
Let them now receive their wages!
If any have toiled from the first hour,
let them receive their due reward;
If any have come after the third hour,
let him with gratitude join in the Feast!
And he that arrived after the sixth hour,
let him not doubt; for he too shall sustain no loss.
And if any delayed until the ninth hour,
let him not hesitate; but let him come too.
And he who arrived only at the eleventh hour,
let him not be afraid by reason of his delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.
He gives rest to him that comes at the eleventh hour,
as well as to him that toiled from the first.
To this one He gives, and upon another He bestows.
He accepts the works as He greets the endeavor.
The deed He honors and the intention He commends.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!
First and last alike receive your reward;
rich and poor, rejoice together!
Sober and slothful, celebrate the day!

You that have kept the fast, and you that have not,
rejoice today for the Table is richly laden!
Feast royally on it, the calf is a fatted one.
Let no one go away hungry. Partake, all, of the cup of faith.
Enjoy all the riches of His goodness!

Let no one grieve at his poverty,
for the universal kingdom has been revealed.
Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again;
for forgiveness has risen from the grave.
Let no one fear death, for the Death of our Savior has set us free.
He has destroyed it by enduring it.

He destroyed Hades when He descended into it.
He put it into an uproar even as it tasted of His flesh.
Isaiah foretold this when he said,
"You, O Hell, have been troubled by encountering Him below."

Hell was in an uproar because it was done away with.
It was in an uproar because it is mocked.
It was in an uproar, for it is destroyed.
It is in an uproar, for it is annihilated.
It is in an uproar, for it is now made captive.
Hell took a body, and discovered God.
It took earth, and encountered Heaven.
It took what it saw, and was overcome by what it did not see.
O death, where is thy sting?
O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is Risen, and you, o death, are annihilated!
Christ is Risen, and the evil ones are cast down!
Christ is Risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is Risen, and life is liberated!
Christ is Risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead;
for Christ having risen from the dead,
is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be Glory and Power forever and ever. Amen! 

from The Medieval Sourcebook

Waiting

Thoughts to ponder as we wait, at the Wood between the worlds:

“Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending that we cannot write. We wait for a ‘not yet’ that feels like a ‘not ever.’” Lewis Smedes
from "Stuck in Saturday", Pete Wilson

"In this understanding, it is not a matter of “balancing” the other-worldly against the this-worldly, or the this-worldly against the other-worldly. Each world penetrates the other. The present is, so to speak, pregnant with the future to which the future gives birth. 'The world is charged with the grandeur of God,' declares the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins. Charged as in electrically charged; the present is given new urgency, raised to a new level of intensity, because it is riddled through and through with a promised future."
from "Living Between the Now and the Not Yet", Richard John Neuhaus

"Paul determined to know nothing but Jesus and the cross. Was that enough? What is the cross? Is it big enough to fill the universe?. . .Adam fell at a tree, and by a tree he was saved. At a tree Eve was seduced, and through a tree the bride was restored to her husband. At a tree, Satan defeated Adam; on a tree Jesus destroyed the works of the devil. At a tree man died, but by Jesus’ death we live. At a tree God cursed, and through a tree that curse gave way to blessing. God exiled Adam from the tree of life; on a tree the Last Adam endured exile so that we might inherit the earth."
from "Christ and Him Crucified", Peter J. Leithart

And a song:

For the Least of These

Today is Maundy Thursday. I didn't know what that meant until we moved into a Presbyterian town 20 years ago. I was raised Southern Baptist. That is a a flavor of evangelical Christianity that is liturgical in its lack of liturgy. There were only three important events on our church calendar: Christmas, Easter, and Communion.

"Mandatum novum do vobis" (a new commandment I give you) is considered the origin of the word "maundy". These are the words Jesus spoke as he washed the disciples' feet in that upper room. They were some of His final words to them, that command to love each other.


England's King Edward I began a Maundy Thursday tradition of giving coins to a representative number of his poorest subjects, one coin for each year of the monarch's age, and washing their feet.

A king, stooping and bending to wash the feet of his poor.

Too many years later, in the affluent United States, there are churches inviting families and children to celebrate Easter by reserving tickets and participating in helicopter candy drops.

Helicopter candy drops.

What we need are drops of human mercy for the mother grieving the loss of her daughter. . . the elderly man living out his remaining hours alone in a nursing home. . . the hungry child struggling to stay alert in school. What we need are not lavishly staged acts of Hollywood hype but small, quiet acts of love toward each other.

Because His image burns inside us all, and honoring each other is the truest way to honor Him.

I am not a king. Far from it. But there is a desire in me, today, to honor that simple act of the King of Glory by making a feeble attempt to stoop, to bend, to wash the feet. . .

of the least of these. . .

for Him.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

Cielo

A song for the weekend by Phil Wickham

"I can't bow my knees low enough, lift my voice loud enough, raise my hands high enough when I am reaching for you, my God!"

A Garment of Pure Grace

"Good evening, good Lord!

So busy are we
about so many trivial things...

Perhaps that's why
you spent this day
blanketing us with snow,
slowing our steps,
hitting our pause button
and grinding the traffic of our business
to a halt...

* * *

I needed that, Lord.
I needed to be inconvenienced,
interrupted, slowed down
- stopped -
by the pure, soft beauty
of your presence,
settling gently, flake by flake;
dressing me and my world
in a garment of pure grace..."

excerpted from Bob Hostetler's Prayer Blog , January 12, 2011

What Really Matters

I find myself stuck in an uncomfortable place. Somewhere I don't want to be. I'm struggling with anger and rage and grief.  While I rave and rant,  God patiently waits.

He reminded me yesterday that He is engaged in active waiting with this song. It says it all:

"Lord Your mercy is so great
That You look beyond our Weakness
And find purest gold in miry clay
Making sinners into saints"

What glorious grace!

Am I struggling for something that really doesn't matter?

Are you?



"When it's All Been Said and Done" by Jim Cowan, sung by Robin Mark

JAS's 23rd

God is my companion, I am not alone.
He gives me a secure place to rest,
He leads me into quiet.

He renews my hope.
He gives me a desire to be like Him, to reflect His heart.

Even though the way is confusing and dark,
I will trust Your goodness
for You ARE with me;
Your love and Your word comfort me.

You turn difficulty and trial into bread for me.
You turn my face toward You.

I am overwhelmed.

Surely You will pursue me all my days,
and I will finally live with You,
in Your home,
forever.

Choices

We make them everyday. Choices. Some with much deliberation, some instinctively. But they, along with events, are the loom upon which the threads of our lives are woven.

Choices.

Friday I made a simple choice. I chose to ignore my impulse to critically assess, moment by moment, my Dear Professor's driving skills as he navigated our way through the confusing mass of roads that comprise Pittsburgh toward an early morning appointment. Instead of adding to his stress (and mine), I closed my eyes and listened to the music on my mp3 player, abandoning all outcomes to the control of a greater Navigator than either of us.

The familiar lyrics vibrated into the depths of my heart with new meaning:

"When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are" We are Not as Strong as We Think We Are by Rich Mullins

"We all want to go there somethin' awful, but to stand there it takes some grace...we are not as strong as we think we are."

No, I am not as strong as I think I am, especially in light of the last year, my Dear Professor's health crisis last November and the long convalescence that continues.

It has worn both of us down. And denying it just makes the ordeal more difficult.

And then the next song began. I was transported back 30 years to our unfurnished living room in Houston. We had been married 3 years. My Dear Professor was a lawyer then, toiling in downtown canyons of steel and glass. Our firstborn was an infant in my arms. And I was dancing with him in wild, joyful abandonment, twirling around the room.

"Sing your praise to the Lord
Come on everybody
Stand up and sing one more hallelujah
Give your praise to the Lord
I can never tell you. Just how
much good that it's
Gonna do you" Sing Your Praise to the Lord by Rich Mullins

Gratitude formed in my heart and spilled out through my eyes to remember, to be present again with God and our son in those happy times, that moment of praise. I touched again a future filled with promise. I knew that promise was still with me behind the cloud of uncertainty that had become my life now.

Above the clouds the sun is always shining.

I touched hope. Somewhere along this road I had let that go. I picked it up again. I worshiped anew.

All because of a simple choice.

A simple choice that made all the difference in that day, and the days that have followed.

What have you chosen for this day?

Even in darkness

"Even in darkness



light



dawns



for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man." Psalm 112:4

9/11

The numbers 9 and 1 have special significance to me. They can be arranged in many meaningful ways. I have called "911" for an ambulance on two occasions, once for my Dad and another time for my Dear Professor. Both frantic calls into the dark of night brought help for two special men in my life.

Psalm 91:1, from which this blog receives its name, is my favorite Psalm. It has lifted me, encouraged me, inspired me: "he that dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the shadow of the Almighty."

And then there is the date 9/11/01 that has stunned and grieved a generation of Americans.

As I reflect on all this, I wonder. Can it be that there are times when the protecting, comforting shadow of the Almighty is a very dark place? It certainly must have been that for Jesus, the very Son and heart of God, as he cried out alone on the cross, "why have You forsaken me?"



His words were echoed in the voice of a nation on that terrible day 9 years ago. They echo in the voices of those grieving today.

God understands grief far better than we. And he offers solace and hope.

In the darkness of His shadow.

In the secret place of the Most High.

The cross of Jesus Christ.

Speechless

 I don't know where to begin.

I think my idea of God has been too small.

I thought that admiring the stars in the night, or the endless blue and white sky that blows above my head by day, gave me a look at the immensity of my God.

I was wrong.

Those don't begin to tell the His story. They are merely microscopic wisps of His breath that breathed the Universe into being.

Mere wisps.

Watch this, all 5 videos, and we'll talk later.

How Great is Our God 1
How Great is Our God 2
How Great is Our God 3
How Great is Our God 4
How Great is Our God 5

Or, even better, go buy the DVD.

Right now, I am speechless.

Dandelions

They are both blessing and curse, those bright yellow flowers that bloom early in spring. In France they are the "dent de lion", lion tooth. Their green foliage, though bitter, offers an abundance of vitamins A, C, and K, much needed after winter's long, arduous journey.

They've been described as "a plant for which we once knew the use but we've forgotten it". Their deep tap roots break up soil and bring up nutrients more shallow rooted plants need.

But we see them as an obstacle in our efforts to maintain the uniformity of a well manicured lawn. After mowing, they stubbornly spring back up, and in their death send tiny seeds dancing on the wind to root and bloom again.

Faith is a way we all once knew, but have forgotten.

Faith is willing to stand alone and persevere for the Truth.

Faith is a tap root that breaks through the wall of pretense to the eternal reality beyond.

Faith draws water from the well of Life, offering freely to all who thirst.

Faith comforts the hopeless, and proclaims liberty to the captives.

Faith is a tiny, stubborn, yellow flower in a world that wants uniformity, wants its own way; a world that denies a loving Creator and despises any mention of the Cross. Or prayer.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)

Shadows

All shadows are not equal. The shade of a leafy canopy on a hot day brings relief.  Those of shapes projected on a wall bring delight.

But there are other shadows in the night, the darkness of evil that paralyzes with fear.

The shadow of the Most High dispels that fear.  "Even the darkness is light to Him." In the shadow of the Most High is safety, security, rest.  Psalm 91:1 has been a favorite verse of mine since a minister friend prayed it over us as we moved into our first home.

The shelter of the Almighty is home, like the warm, protective feathers of  a mother hen. Home. Warmth. Comfort.  A safe place. An abiding place.

More than anything else, my spiritual journey has been about learning to abide . . .in the shelter of the Almighty.

I'm still learning.  Will you walk with me a little?

Gratitude

In the dim, he sleeps and I sit, listening to the tick tick of the iv drip. A thin ribbon of red flows from overhead. My eyes fix on the words "volunteer donor."

Today I offer a prayer of thanks and blessing to "volunteer donor" for his/her precious gift to my Dear Professor. They are an army of 5 before the day is done.

Five, the number of grace. How can I say thanks for such a treasure?

But there are more. A multitude. I offer gratitude to:

the calm voice answering the 911 call;

the emergency team who whisk him off into the night, sirens blaring, lights flashing, down our country road;

a young friend who leaves husband and child to surprise me in the ER asking, "how are you?";

a smile and hug from an old acquaintance now working in the hospital;

a brief visit from far away friends bringing a prayer, a touch, and a meal to nourish my body as their friendship nourishes my soul;

the skilled hands of paramedics, nurses, doctors, technicians offering compassion and care;

our scattered family supporting us over the miles with calls, prayers, email;

our faith community, encouraging and journeying with us;

Our Father, Great Physician, Giver of life, Quieter of fearful minds, Restorer, Redeemer;

There are more for tomorrow, but that is a start for today. My heart is full. My eyes overflow as I lean against my Dear Professor's chest and listen... to his heart... beat.

In the dim, he sleeps and I sit. Thankful.

(note: The above was written 3 days ago. My Dear Professor continues his recovery, gaining strength each day. For that I continue to be thankful.)

Who Am I?

That's a question I'm working on but problably won't answer completely until this earthly part of the journey is over. This much I can tell you for now. My name is JAS and I love Jesus. I'm a 60something wife, mother, grandmother, and spiritual friend in training. I've learned so much from dear friends in person as well as those on the page. My Dear Professor & I are currently transitioning into "retirement" back in Texas after spending 28 years in New York (for education) and Pennsylvania (for occupation).

My contact information is here at my other blog, iron acres. It's all about family, Texas, and our experiences in the frozen north.

What do I believe?

(because how I live depends on what I believe)

The Nicene Creed

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, and of all things visible  and invisible.
 
       And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all ages; God of God,  Light of Light, very God of very God; begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father; by whom all things were made.
 
       Who, for us all for our salvation, came down from Heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the virgin Mary, and was made man; and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate; He suffered and was buried; and the third day He rose again, according to the Scriptures; and ascended into Heaven, and sits at the right hand of the Father; and He shall come again, with glory, to judge the living and the dead; whose kingdom shall have no end.
 
       And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and Giver of Life; who proceeds from the Father;  
who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified; who spoke by the prophets. 

     And I believe in one holy universal and apostolic Church.   I acknowledge one baptism for the remission of sins; and I look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.              

Amen.

(if you'd rather hear it sung, click below)

Rich Mullins' video of "Creed" from the album Songs